I won’t pretend that I enjoy Valentine’s Day. It’s not because I’m a love-sick person that failed to create a romantic connection, or that I hate spending money on my lover, but it’s simply just another day to me. Nonetheless, I know some of you use it as a barometer for the strength of your romantic relationships, so enjoy the pile of roses and inordinate amount of blow jobs you’ll receive! Regardless of how I feel, here are a collection of films you and your significant other, or you and your right hand, should watch. And for the love of God, please don’t watch the shitty film named Valentine’s Day. If you do, you deserve to be alone.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Clearly a transparent choice by me, but Eternal Sunshine is the kind of film that will make a couple appreciate one another’s presence.
What to Expect: Intense hugging and spooning.
Edward Scissorhands: Arguably Tim Burton’s masterpiece, Edward Scissorhands finds romance in the form of a deranged fairytale.
What to Expect: Sensual love-making set to Danny Elfman’s haunting choral arrangement.
Once: Even though it’s not entirely a love story, Once is still a film about forging a significant connection. Featuring terrific music and poignant performances, Once is a rewarding experience.
What to Expect: Some soft petting and even softer kisses.
Cinema Paradiso: Part ode to cinema and part nostalgic love story, Cinema Paradiso is a beguiling treat for those who dare to read subtitles. Ennio Morricone’s Love Theme easily melts the heart.
What to Expect: Long winded talks of a romantic tryst to Italy…Or France…Or Spain…Or basically anywhere but here.
Love Actually: Honestly, I have yet to meet a woman who didn’t love this film. That’s your cue gentleman. Funny, heart wrenching, and optimistic, Love Actually is a multi-faceted film that’s a surefire winner.
What to Expect: Anal.
Titanic: For as cheesy as it is, Titanic is a wildly entertaining film that plays to both sexes. Girls get Leo DiCaprio and a beautiful love story set to Celine Dion’s hit song, while guys get a boat sinking and Kate Winslet’s bush.
What to Expect: Sex bookended with hysterical crying.
Beauty and the Beast: Now here’s a magical film. The music is delightful, the animation lush, and the story, albeit deeply entrenched in our minds, still pays massive emotional dividends.
What to Expect: Sex with intermittent moments of song and dance.
Pride and Prejudice (2005): Joe Wright’s adaptation of the classic novel is a cinematic tease, which wonderfully sets up a forbidden romance and masterfully delivers on it in the final frames.
What to Expect: Talks of marriage.
Kramer vs Kramer: What better way to undermine the day of love by watching a film where a marriage disintegrates? Most importantly, the film’s central character conquers child rearing while maintaining his “single” status.
What To Expect: You’ll never get married, but that’s ok, 99.99% of them end in divorce anyways, right?
Mulholland Drive: David Lynch’s film is beyond reason, but its opaqueness is strangely alluring. Plus, there’s a great deal of sexual intrigue and fear. The former is probably what you want anyways, you cheeky monkey!
What To Expect: Masturbating furiously.
Anti-Christ: There’s a faltering romance, alienating sex scenes, and genital mutilation. Basically, it’s as if director Lars von Trier made a film about your life.
What to Expect: Drowning your sorrows in a gallon of ice cream drenched in bacon grease.
Punch-Drunk Love: I originally put this on the “relationship watch list”, but being that you’re alone; I figured it’d be a good idea to recommend a story about an aloof man finding love in an equally aloof woman. Love will find you.
What To Expect: A sense of hope will ferment deep within.
Amour: Here’s a film that will validate your distaste for love. More specifically, it follows the strained relationship of an old married couple as one of them slowly fades away. Your fear is confirmed: falling in love only leads to pain.
What to Expect: You will miss the film’s point entirely, thus renting a submarine and living at the bottom of the ocean all by your lonesome. You’re an insufferable human being.
ANY KIND OF PORN: Boobs. Weiner. Vagina. Midgets doused with Thousand Island dressing.
What to Expect: The best possible night you can have.