Guest Idiotorial: Michael Bay’s Kickstarter


Hey guys, Michael Bay here. I’ve taken some time away from my luxuriously sweet and sexually satisfying life to approach you all with an opportunity, one that could make me millions and give YOU the pleasure of helping ME make a movie. Yes, I MEAN YOU!! Being that the likes of Zack Braff and TV show creator Rob Thomas, you know, the guy from Matchbox 20, are funding passion film projects through Kickstarter, I figured I’d give this form of financing a shot.  Much like the aforementioned filmmakers, I just can’t stand the studio system. With inflation bumming me out, actor’s demanding more money, and CGI usage at an all-time high, making a movie is fucking expensive. For fuck sakes, craft service costs more money than most of you can muster over the length of your arduous, debilitating, and insignificant life. After all, you can’t make a movie without an unlimited supply of croissants and finger food!

Now, I know what most of you are thinking: Michael, why do you need our money? Don’t you have enough of your own money to fund your own shit? And don’t you also work with a studio? Outside of being petty and childish, your questions are nearly legitimate. But let me answer your question with another question: Why would I want to spend my money when I can spend yours? Yeah, you don’t have a response to that, do you? There is nothing more gratifying in this world, outside of using your films as a vehicle to check out chick’s asses, than using someone else’s hard earned money. The studio agrees with me on this one. Not to mention, have you fucking knuckleheads ever taken a business class? If I use my money, as well as the studio’s deep pocket-book, do you know how low our gross profit will be? Like $500 million low. But if I use your money, I will have zero overhead and see the profits for years down the line. And don’t you want me to be happy? Like, buying my own island happy?

What’s that? You’re asking me how I gathered the balls to exploit a website for corporate gain, while rendering its existence meaningless? If anyone gave two shits about independent or blossoming filmmakers they would give to those people, but they don’t. Instead, they seek out my films at a nauseating rate, not interesting projects or film opportunities that will launch a career. Maybe you wouldn’t be whining so much about this if these struggling indie hucksters would turn off their Ween albums and stop watching their Criterion collection, and actually go out and find a studio job. It’s not like there’s thousands of unproduced scripts circulating through Hollywood on an annual basis. But even then, would you want to see their films over mine? My films feature action, tits, and sweet fucking guitar riffs. These are the ingredients for a worthwhile life. What are these independent filmmakers trying to sell you? A film about a twenty something retard who was molested by his dad, but finds a level of trust in his female neighbor, who perpetually wears tin foil hats because she thinks aliens are trying to scramble her brain . WHAT A FANTASTIC FILM!!! For those not in the know, I’m using all caps and multiple exclamation points to show a level of sarcasm. Fucking idiots.

Well, now that we have that out-of-the-way, you’re probably wondering what it is that I want to make. The answer: Transformers 4. Yes, I will follow-up my massive, world-renowned robot trilogy with another much deserved sequel.  I haven’t quite established an official title yet but I’m leaning towards “Transformers 4: Ultraviolet Metamorphosis by Jupiter’s Ascenscion”. Believe me; it will all make sense when the movie is made.  And how much will it cost for my dream to become a reality? It will cost about $600 million, not including the marketing budget.  Sure, the number looks high, but in this day and age, that’s a steal! I’ve heard some people complain about the price, with many wondering why Zac Braf can make a film for $2 million, while my budget is only marginally higher. Has Zac Brafft even made a movie before? You can’t make one for less than $200 million and want it to be good. For fucks sake, one of my scenes alone will cost $10 million dollars. Having gigantic robots destroy New York, all of which are voiced by expensive actors, isn’t like spending twenty-five cents on a gumball. Regardless of your cynical questions, I know you’re excited about being a part of this monumental film. Your excitement and enthusiasm aren’t your only gifts! Depending on your pledge threshold, you’ll receive a plethora of gifts from yours truly! Here’s how it all shakes out:

Make A Pledge of $1:

Really, one fucking dollar? Let me get this straight: You’re willing to shell out at least $17.50 for my film-it’ll be post converted to 3d!- but you’re going to send me a dollar? Here’s my reward for you: I will take your dollar pledge, wipe my ass with it, and promptly send it back to your place of residence. Go fuck yourself.

Made a Pledge of $100:

Now, we’re starting to heat up! For one of your Benjamins, I’ll send you a copy of my script for Transformers 4: Ultraviolet Metamorphosis by Jupiter’s Ascension! Normally this involves sending a PDF copy of the script, but I’ll do you one better! You’ll get a photo copy of the three Orange Julius napkins I wrote it on!

Make a Pledge of $5,000:

Wow, wouldn’t this be a nice donation to receive?! If you make a pledge of $5,000, not only do you get all the aforementioned prizes, but you also get a beautifully framed piece of concept art from the film. Concept art featured below:

Transformers

Make a Pledge of $10,000,000:

Finally, we have some fucking high rollers up in this bitch.  By donating this gracious amount, you will get a cameo role in the film! Not only do you get to occupy the same space as me, but you’ll be able to take “direction” from me. Your role: Stunned random citizen gazing up in the sky while robots obliterate New York with explosions. Exciting!

Make a Pledge of $25,000,000:

This one is a doozy! By pledging a scant amount, $25 mil to be exact, you and I will take a trip around Hollywood, egging the houses of hipster, auteur directors! And we’ll also TP the shit out of Shia LeDouche’s house.

Make a Pledge of $50,000,000:

Look at those zeroes!  If you make a pledge this massive, you’ll get an actual speaking part! But there are a couple of rules applied to this one. 1. If you’re a male and donate, you actually won’t receive any lines. Instead, you’ll be killed in a very graphic manner; probably decapitated by Bumblebee. 2. But if you’re a woman, with a bodacious ass and  D cups, you’re speaking in front of the camera! It’s best if you have an accent or can’t handle the English language, it’ll make my stilted dialog sound a bit better!

Make a Pledge of $400,000,00:

Holy fuck if you have this money around! Either you’re Johnny Depp or me. Nonetheless, you get the shit dollar, the script, the concept art, the egging and the cameo! But you get one last prize! You get the pleasure of me deliriously butt fucking you in the pile of money of I’ve stolen from you, all while Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” plays in the background!

There you have it folks! I know we can achieve this together! With your money and my ingenuity, there’s no reason why Transformers 4: Ultraviolet Metamorphosis by Jupiter’s Ascension can’t be a success! Unless of course you’re a pretentious pussy, then go watch your Godard collection and cut your wrists to the new Deerhunter album! Plus I gave you guys the “Shit Just Got Real” meme. You at least owe me $100 million for that.

Love always,

Michael

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