Fictitious Oscar Odds: Handicapping the 2014 Academy Awards!

It’s late winter and that means only one thing: Oscars, baby! A lot of people are seduced by the pageantry and star power on display, but I’m a simple man with simple pleasures. I don’t particularly care what Kate Winslet is wearing on the red carpet, or what chick sucked George Clooney off in his limo. All I care about is making money off of Hollywood’s tribute to itself. Regardless, those betting on the Oscars are likely wagering money on categorical winners. It’s a simple-minded approach, one that will likely yield decent results, but it’s not how you make real money. Real money, you ask? I’m talking about that Jordan Belfort money, money that affords you the freedom to blow cocaine into a woman’s anal cavity. Yeah, I know you need that anal money real bad. So, grab a few dollars from your sister’s piggy bank or hold up a lemonade stand, and place your bets accordingly. Here are your 2014 Academy Award Betting Odds:

2 Million to 1: The show runs less than three hours.

In one GIF I can sum up the chances of this happening.

3000 to 1: Meryl Streep Refuses to Play the Gracious Loser.

Meryl Streep is an 18 time Academy Award nominee. She’s only won three times. Every time she loses, she’s gracious and humble. It’s as if the Academy recognizes this and simply says, “Fuck it. Meryl can win next year, she’s cool with not winning. Let’s reward this other actress.” Meryl isn’t playing nice anymore. In a fit of blinding rage, Meryl viciously murders everyone in attendance except Jonah Hill because she loved him in that one movie with George Michael. Otherwise, Meryl will flood the Dolby Theatre with a sea of blood.

500 to 1: Quualudes are the Official Drug to the Oscars.

With the success of The Wolf of Wall Street, and its many scenes of Quaalude consumption, we can officially say the drug is back on the scene. So much so that one of the film’s most quotable lines- “GET THE LUDES”- will likely trend on Twitter anytime Jonah Hill, DiCaprio (He’s last name famous), and Scorsese get camera time. By the way, I hear they’re placing a bottle in all gift baskets!

250 to 1: Chiwetel Ejiofor will be Mistaken For Chewbacca.

Despite being a veteran actor, and being victorious in a few precursor acting awards, Chiwetel Ejiofor has unfortunately heard his name butchered from many presenters. None was worse than Matthew McConaughey, who called Ejiofor “Chewy-tel” during an acceptance speech. Somewhere Ejiofor is wondering why he just couldn’t be named George.

50 to 1: I’ll Kill the Next Person Who Says “McConnaisance”.

Why the fuck can’t we just call it a renaissance? Matthew McConaughey’s revival as an actor is absolutely impressive, but why do we have to pin a half-assed, misguided pun to it? Hell, it’s not even a pun. It’s just stapling part of his name to a fucking word. Why not “Mcpressive”, “Mcstounding”, or “Mcvival”? Ironically enough, “McConnaisance” looks less like renaissance, and more like  the French word méconnaissance, which in English  means “false recognition”. So, are we inadvertently mocking McCoaughey’s comeback? Regardless, say it one more time and I’ll “McBeat Your Ass.” #InternetToughGuy

30 to 1: Armond White Will Show Up and Hate on Everything.

Armond White is a despicable human being. His reviews are nothing more than tiresome attempts to generate traffic by way of venomous, contrarian view points. In other words, he’s a troll that gets published. Earlier this year, White accosted 12 years a Slave director Steve McQueen at an awards banquet, lobbing insidious words at one of film’s best directors. Knowing how much of an ass goblin Armond is, he’ll likely slip out from underneath whatever bridge he’s living under, and weasel his way into the ceremony wearing a fake mustache and glasses. In trying to prove how sad he truly is, White will hurl insults at everyone in front of him. Only this time, no one will listen.

10 to 3: Her Will Be on the Wrong End of Most Jokes.

Listen, I absolutely adore Her. I don’t think there was a better film this year. But even I know its premise breeds lowball punch lines. “A man falls in love with his operating system? LOL THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF,” exclaims one of the show’s writers. Not to mention, I can’t really imagine Ellen making jokes about hostage situations, AIDs, or slavery. But I can see a joke about Joaquin Phoenix sticking his dick into a laptop.

5 to 2: One of the Tech Award Winners Will Have a Ponytail or a Disgusting Beard.

In my odds last year, I proudly supported the winners of categories such as Sound Mixing and Special Effects.  They’re an integral part of the movie making process, and are often overlooked in favor of their better looking peers. I support them, but these guys have to ditch their ponytails and ill-advised facial hair. Gentlemen, I can’t get you more air time if you walk up in front of millions of people rocking Dermot Mulroney’s look from About Schmidt. It’s obscene.

2 to 1: Upon Losing, All Nominees Will Grind Their Teeth and Hide Their Discontent.

No one likes to lose, especially when it’s for a once in a lifetime award. Behind their joyous claps and perfectly etched smiles, these nominees will internally writhe in agony while someone else claims their birthright. If only they didn’t go full retard…

Even Money: Jennifer Lawrence Does Something Adorable, We Fall in Love Even More.

Jennifer Lawrence is a tremendous talent. In her young age, she’s delivered a handful of fine performances, often outshining her more experienced costars on-screen. But what we love most about Lawrence is her ability to give zero fucks about the Hollywood machine. Her candid interviews and sense of humor have captured America’s attention, and she is everything we want in a movie star. Hell, she could defecate on the American flag on stage and we would applaud her bravery. Knowing Lawrence’s innate ability to look adorable in any situation, I fully expect her to test the limits of our love by doing something dastardly on stage. And knowing us, we’ll love her anyways.

Even Money: Ellen DeGeneres Dances.

Ellen is a dancing machine. It’s almost as if she was born and raised in that fucking gutless town from Footloose, and she’s making up for lost time by dancing by any means necessary. SHE. CANT. BE. STOPPED.


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