Here we are again folks: Oscar season is nearing a rousing finale. As Hollywood prepares for its massive celebrity orgy *Now Sponsored by Bounty Paper Towels!* I have collected a handful of Oscar odds for you and your loved ones. I know what you’re thinking, “Matt, I keep losing money on your bets!” Stop being such a pussy. Dip into your 401K one more time, swipe some money from your parent’s wallets and purses, or even short the housing market. I don’t really care because I have some great odds in play for you. So, sit back, relax, and let me deliver you to financial Valhalla. WITNESS ME. *Disclaimer: Everything below is farcical, if not entirely accurate. You are culpable for all financial losses because none of this is real.*
50 Million to 1: Neil Patrick Harris finds the punch line to last year’s 4 hour gag
Do you remember last year’s Oscar telecast? Neither do I. Well, I do remember NPH working on a joke where he places his Oscar predictions into a chained bin or some dumb shit. 15 hours later we receive a punchline as flaccid as the show itself. Somewhere, buried deep in the Kodak Theatre, the joke’s original punchline creeps along, seeking retribution through a better joke. #FindThePunchLine
1 Million to 1: DiCaprio and Winslet hate each other, shown fist fighting back stage
I think we all need to remember something about Titanic: that bitch Rose let Jack sink to the bottom of the ocean. When this happens, there’s a discernible evil twinkle in Winslet’s eye. For but a moment she pretended her mortal enemy was slipping into the abyss. Sure, they play cute when in front of cameras, but these two aren’t friends. They will never be Jack and Rose but albatrosses of a dream we desperately want to exist. Or I’m just making shit up. Who am I kidding? The chances of these two doing anything beyond posing for adorable pictures is pretty scant. I wish they were my friends.
100,000 to 1: David Bowie comes back to life to shit on Lady Gaga’s performance
I don’t know David Bowie or Lady Gaga, nor what connection they had but being that I have a blog I retain the right to make absurd proclamations without any consequence. Lady Gaga’s tribute to Bowie during the Grammy’s was hurried, lackluster, and felt out-of-place. Thankfully Ghost David Bowie is vindictive. Before Gaga can get a word out, Bowie will sing horrible renditions of Poker Face, Telephone, and Alejandro. Thankfully, because they’re all mostly shit, he doesn’t have to sabotage the songs too bad. I fuck with Bad Romance though.
2,000 to 1: Leonardo DiCaprio loses
If it wasn’t for Meryl Streep, DiCaprio would be seen as Hollywood’s most lovable loser. Great performance after great performance, the Academy has overlooked DiCaprio. It’s almost as if every time he’s nominated the Academy says, “LOL. NOPE. GO fuck some models instead.” I imagine a world where DiCaprio finally wins an Oscar. But I can also imagine a world where the Academy dangles an Oscar above his head, just inches from his fingertips. Maybe Leo should just stick to fucking models and losing Academy Awards. It’s worked so far…
1,000 to 1: Immortan Joe gets love in the In Memoriam tribute
One of the more tragic deaths from last year was our lord and savior Immortan Joe. Battling what looked like a skin disease he contracted while having sex with lepers and bags of flour, Immortan Joe proudly molded us in his image. He showed us the prospect of Valhalla, made some sick ass cars from scrap metal and Legos, and helped us kick our water dependency. It’s really a shame. Immortan Joe is survived by three sex slaves, bottles and bottles of breast milk, and thousands of unused cans of metal mouth spray.
500 to 1: Chris Rock makes one joke about Kanye West
Listen, I’m a huge Kanye fan but I can’t even defend this asshole’s Twitter diarrhea. Being that he was an impenetrable dick over the last two weeks, I have a hard time believing Chris Rock stays away from a Kanye joke. Maybe he can tie it into introducing Cate Blanchett because everyone knows how big of a dick she is.
100 to 1: Jennifer Lawrence is only there for the pickle roll-ups
Everyone knows the Best Actress race isn’t really a race because Brie Larson has absolutely destroyed her competition. Jennifer Lawrence is always good but even she knows she has no chance. But Jennifer Lawrence isn’t the kind of person to pass up a free meal. There’s a lot of conjecture about what food will be served, but Twitter user @BigD1ckMoney insists finger food will dominate the night with rumors of pickle roll-ups being the centerpiece. And everybody knows Jennifer Lawrence loves pickle roll-ups.
50 to 1: Best Foreign Language film winner will struggle with English, prompting Donald Trump to build a wall along every American border
“Why the fuck do we need to have a Best Foreign Language Film category? We should be celebrating America’s films. French coming of age drama? Not interested in your tale of periods and baguettes! How bout a Hungarian Holocaust drama? I’m not hungry for any of that! If the Academy was really serious about making changes, they’d bring in Captain America himself: Donald Trump. He’d make these pretentious foreign assholes delete their subtitles and speak American properly. USA! USA! USA!”….says racist, xenophobic Twitter users who wear ‘Make America Great Again’ trucker hats.
25 to 1: George Clooney will show his smug face
Look at that smug face!… But he is so handsome. BUT LOOK AT THAT SMUG FACE. OH GOD THE THING’S I’D DO TO THAT FACE…He seems nice.
5 to 1: Out of touch white Academy members mistake Black Lives Matter protestors for the cast of Beasts of No Nation and Straight Outta Compton
How the fuck does Beasts of No Nation and Straight Outta Compton get no love besides the white screen writers for the latter film? The only way I can rationalize these exclusions is that the rich, affluent white voters haven’t seen the movies or simply don’t care. Thankfully, Academy members, as out of touch as ever, will assume the Black Lives Matters protesters near the red carpet are part of the aforementioned films’ cast. Then the Academy, fresh after drinking a gallon of prune juice, will pat itself on the back for believing it invited the “blacks” in spite of them receiving no nominations.
Even Money: The Oscars reveals itself to be a White Lives Matter Rally
Not sure if this is a joke or a sick reality.